Unsilenced Woman

Hello, surprise pregnancy. Hello, tunnel of emotions.

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Before the “Yes” on the pee stick, there had been one “No”.

I’d bought plenty of pregnancy tests with my first pregnancy, and this time I knew I wasn’t going to mess with the “Is that a second line?” speculations of those cheaper tests. This time I would not be squinting, holding the test close to my face, stretching it an arm’s distance away, examining it in different lights. No, no. This is not Mama’s first rodeo. Today on this tricked-out digital pregnancy test, a “Yes” would appear or a “No” would appear. No subjective interpretation. [Read more…]

You were born, and then I was, too

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“You were born during a blue moon the night that Mars was closer to the Earth than it had been in a decade,” I said to you when you were in my belly. But it wasn’t your time.

“You came into this world dancing,” I told you. “That night I jumped, cha-cha-ed, and stomped my way through the Cupid Shuffle and the Wobble. I swayed low into a squat on the dance floor. After dancing, I soaked my swollen feet in the empty beverage bucket that was still full of melted ice.” But it wasn’t your time. [Read more…]

Where the president followed me

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Last October as the presidential election approached, I was on a mountain vacation with my husband and four-month-old son. We watched our  child roll over for the first time in front of the fireplace. He was squishy like the moss that grew around the house. He lay on his back, where his hands squeezed the deep pile moss, and his feet crunched the fallen leaves with every kick. 

It was a relaxing getaway to one of my favorite places in the world, but there was one thing that wasn’t right: I could hardly do anything without Donald Trump’s face or voice popping up in my head. Just the thought of him made me feel sick. And along with him came memories of some of the worst moments of my life because he reminded me so much of men who had hurt me. [Read more…]

Raising the warrior son the world needs

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I just knew I was having a girl. I felt it in my heart. I sat in the sun on the playground one day watching my students run by in a blur, and as their 10-year-old energy swirled around me, I had this anchoring feeling that I was having a girl.

Imagine my surprise when the ultrasound tech said, “And that’s a penis. You have a boy. Congratulations!”

“A boy? Are you sure?” As much as that little cocktail weenie nub floating on the screen looked undeniably like a part of a boy, I was shocked. I am a highly intuitive person. I thought I would sense the sex of the baby growing inside my body. I thought I would be able to sense the presence of a penis within me. [Read more…]

The village that made my breastfeeding relationship

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Before anyone, there was Mom. She breastfed me for three years. She didn’t have a book or someone guiding her. She felt motivated to breastfeed despite not having any outside information or mentors. She just felt it was right. I used to be embarrassed when she told anyone how long I asked for “night night”, but now I think, “Wow, what a gift.”
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Why I won’t be sculpting my bikini bod

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See me at fourteen years old. I monitored every single bite of food that passed into my mouth. I ran my hands along my stomach to see how it felt to be one bite bigger. Each bite of food felt like a threat. At the end of the meal, I would turn sideways in the mirror to assess the damages. How much my hip bones protruded from my body and how much my belly caved in determined how I felt about myself. It made me feel sick to see what food did to me. Sometimes I panicked seeing my belly with a meal of food in it. Eating felt like a big mistake.  [Read more…]