First came the anger.I needed to let myself feel the anger because for years anger had lived in me coated with guilt and shame. The old anger was wrapped in the feeling that I actually shouldn’t be upset, that I had no good reason to be angry.
But I deserved the anger without the guilt. “Let me have this anger,” I thought. “No one rush me to good feelings of reconciliation. You will not take this anger from me.” [Read more…]
I thought I needed to wait until you died to say this. Not that I wanted you to die. I didn’t. But I thought about the things I could do once you did, as if my words could not live while you did, as if they couldn’t breathe the same air.
Just wait until you can’t hurt anyone, I thought. Don’t destroy the relationship. Maybe it could change. Maybe he will understand you some day and love you how you need. [Read more…]
I still drive by the apartment where I lived with him. I don’t go there just to see it; I love to walk and drive in that historic, hilly neighborhood. When I pass it, I look at the building with curiosity, like a reincarnated person might upon sensing familiarity in a place from a past life.
Someone is growing flowers outside there now, pots and pots of thriving plants. Ten years ago I was a flower cut from the ground and slowly dying there. [Read more…]
My grandma likes to tell me, “Ever since you were a little girl, you always asked me about my past. ‘Where were you born, Nana?’ ‘How do you say this in French?’ You always asked. You wanted to know. You were curious about me.”
