When I was a little girl, I felt light, I felt free. I ran through the woods with my wild curly hair swinging around me and my conch shell tied to a leather strap from my neck. I blew it ceremoniously when I came across a sight that delighted me or when I encountered a dead animal that needed a witness to its passing. I choreographed dances and slid across the wood floors in my house. I scrunched my nose and smiled. I twinkled. [Read more…]
See me at fourteen years old. I monitored every single bite of food that passed into my mouth. I ran my hands along my stomach to see how it felt to be one bite bigger. Each bite of food felt like a threat. At the end of the meal, I would turn sideways in the mirror to assess the damages. How much my hip bones protruded from my body and how much my belly caved in determined how I felt about myself. It made me feel sick to see what food did to me. Sometimes I panicked seeing my belly with a meal of food in it. Eating felt like a big mistake. [Read more…]
I thought I needed to wait until you died to say this. Not that I wanted you to die. I didn’t. But I thought about the things I could do once you did, as if my words could not live while you did, as if they couldn’t breathe the same air.
Just wait until you can’t hurt anyone, I thought. Don’t destroy the relationship. Maybe it could change. Maybe he will understand you some day and love you how you need. [Read more…]
I imagine God telling me these words. And I enter the wilderness.
Two things happened the day I realized I did not love myself. I sat tall in my vessel in yoga class, motivational words pouring into me. “How you treat your body says a lot about how you feel about yourself. Listen to what you tell yourself in yoga class.” [Read more…]
