For those who read this and feel worried about me, I am in a completely different place now than I was months ago when I started documenting my anxiety and depression through writing. Today I am healthy, safe, supported, and at peace. I share this story now for those who are struggling and for those who love them. I had put this writing away for awhile as I necessarily embraced more lightness and kept my eyes focused on what was working in my life. On top of the stories of lives lost to suicide in the national news, another suicide in my community recently touched close to home. We are losing so many people around us, and sharing this story feels like one thing I can do right now.

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Drowning doesn’t look like drowning. We expect drowning victims to flail their arms and cry for help. Instead, they quietly bob below the surface, unable to speak or draw attention to themselves. People ten feet away from them don’t even know they’re drowning.

If I knew I was drowning, I would scream. That’s what I tell myself. I would reach out to my husband next to me in bed and shake him awake. I wouldn’t drown. I would scream. I would scream for help, and everyone in my life would stop, see me, and help me swim to shore.

But depression is a liar. Drowning doesn’t always look like drowning, not even to you. [Read more…]